All seemed to be going well. I felt like I had accepted my ‘new’ life..my ‘new’ world…the world of fibromyalgia. The everlasting disease that no one knows about, that is rarely talked about, and of course that no one understands. Then one day, my everything came crashing down and I realized I hadn’t accepted much of anything. In fact, I resented it.
It’s been a while, over a year and a half since I’ve written about having this disease. And for this year and a half I’ve been depressed. I’ve hidden it from everyone and have done many things to try to discredit the way I truly felt. Research says that depression is one of the many symptoms of fibromyalgia; but very few times will that research offer you ways to deal with it. I’m not a yoga type of girl…I don’t do the gym scene (mainly because it’s too painful to do so)…and there are no support groups. So what does that leave a person to do? Not much so I simply just became stagnant in the way I felt.
What’s crazy is that I didn’t immediately realize that I was suffering from depression. Or is crazy? Maybe I did know and that’s why I hid it. I didn’t want to answer to it. I didn’t want to be responsible for it. I didn’t want to explain it. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful because people always say “you know you could have it worse…” Of course I could argue that some people don’t understand how depression works and it’s not the same for everyone.
Depression for me is not me hating life…or being what some consider ungrateful for my life. It is simply at times being sad. Saddened that my life isn’t the same. Saddened that I worked so hard for my degrees and now I simply can’t use them. Saddened that I won’t be able to accomplish my dreams of being a lawyer. I could really go on and on. The list is never ending I feel like. My sadness is MY depression. I have to own it. But I’m just sad.
I am three and a half years into my diagnosis and for the past year and half I’ve spent wondering about myself. Wondering about my life choices. Wondering if I’ll ever be 100% happy again. Wondering when the depression will fade. I’m not sure that the depression and sadness will ever completely fade for me. I guess only time will tell. I recognize how I feel, what I feel, and why I feel this way; and those are the first steps (I believe) on my road to happiness.
myfibroworld 
I live with fibromyalgia and depression too. Over time I’ve learned a lot about how to manage these conditions. I don’t have great words of wisdom, but wanted to say I hear you and recognize it’s very hard. My strategies are a lot of self care and budgeting my physical and emotional energy, along with some antidepressants. Past counseling helped me a lot too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for understanding. I have began to learn how to manage my physical and emotional energy as well; and that has helped a lot! Sometimes it’s just simply overwhelming to feel the way I do and the majority don’t get it. But I’m staying faithful that through this journey I’ll continue to learn and be able to apply proper coping strategies.
LikeLiked by 1 person